I hate the holidays

I hate the holidays. I hate them for various reasons, depending on the holiday in question, but this post is going to be dedicated to the next one in line, Thanksgiving.

This one isn't the worst on my list, but it's definitely not my favorite (I like holidays that have no obligation to them, Labor Day for instance - you aren't expected to do anything other than drink beer with friends and have a BBQ). I don't like Thanksgiving because I have horrible memories of being forced to go to my dads and make awkward conversation with his stupid wife and her kids. Not to mention the food was bad. Lately though they haven't been too bad... until it hit me that one vital piece has always been missing in my holiday celebrations that I traditionally hate... alcohol.
Don't get me wrong, I do love my family, but sometimes situations just need a little 'tolerance boost', and to do that, alcohol needs to be present. I'm not saying that I need to be smashed, but a glass of wine while cooking would make the kitchen seem less small and crowded, and a glass of wine during dinner might make my step dads sister a little more interesting and less awkward.

My husband's family knows how to handle the holidays - you can barely get in the door before being offered an Old Mill. Happy drinking to those that can during this fine holiday season.

Bad Seat

Mothers everywhere please listen - pants that meet all of the following criteria make your ass look HUGE. It would be in your best self interest to go pants shopping and find some that actually flatter your figure.

1. High Waist - higher than your belly button, nearing your bust line
2. Pleats - the very prominent ones that are actually forced open because of where they hit your stomach
3. Relaxed in the hip and upper thigh - yes i understand the roomier fit might be comfortable, but it looks horrible when attached to #4
4. Tapered leg aka ankle strangle - this just emphasizes the big ass you think you are hiding by showcasing how narrow your legs get at the bottom

I'm saying this for your benefit, because I can't expect everyone to watch What Not to Wear or to pay attention to magazines, so please take my free advice, society will thank you.

What to look for in a pant:
1. Medium rise - near your belly button/just below your natural waist, these will not show your crack, they are not super low rise, they will look nice
2. Flat front - please stop with grabbing for anything with pleats
3. Straight fit through the hips and thigh - these will be slightly tighter than your tapered favorites, but you will get used to them, I promise
4. Boot cut leg - these will lay nicely and flatter the line of the leg, you want the length to brush or slightly slouch on the top of your shoe if they are a full length pant - go to a tailor if necessary.

Banish the Dynasty

Oh holy fuck, the idea of having Hillary Clinton in the Obama administration makes me want to crawl out of my skin, and throw it at someone. I'm so tired of the Clintons, they make me want to barf. They had their place in the 90's, and now it's time to move on to smarter people to help find the path to economic recovery. From what I know of Hillary, and her husband, their strong points are not exactly "crisis". Not to even mention all the conflict of interest's she'd have when facing issues that are important. This is how I envision it:

HC: "oh I don't know if we should work on this bill that will help 50% of the middle class..."
BO: "well what's there to think about?"
HC: "I just don't know if it will impact my husband's speech this month, I'd had for them to cancel it because of this bill... we really need that extra $30,000 this month"

Please Obama, make a good choice for this one.

Fuzzies

Lately everything I wear leaves fuzzies on my surroundings. I think I have gone through at least a full lint roller sticky thing since the beginning of November. I never remember these clothes doing this to me in the past, so I can't figure out what is different about this year. It's quite infuriating when you walk out of the house in a white shirt and a pink vest and you come back with a pink shirt and a pink vest.

Cold and Wet? no thank you.

WTF? How do people find the need to jog in the freezing rain? It's disgusting out - not to mention cold and wet... your shoes get ruined, your nose freezes and those wearing hats have head sweat from heat, but since the rest of you is cold there's conflicting body temperatures that make me nauseous. Sick. I can't imagine doing anything worse - voluntarily. Seriously people, get a winter membership to a gym and befriend a tredmill. I'd rather watch Fox News running in place than be jogging in weather like this.

Or I could just move some place where there is no freezing rain.

Office Behavior

The office is a peculiar thing. A collection of people put there by the people that hired them, sometimes there's more in common than that, but with some people, that's all you've got. I've worked at 3 companies, and on 5 different teams. Inevitably there's always at least 1 of each of the following people:

• The nail clipper - it never freaking fails, on the day you're irritated already because you woke up late, your dog jumped on your khakis with muddy paws, the line at starbucks is longer than the line to see the vatican, and you have a 'surprise' meeting at 8:30, which you're already late for, someone interupts the one moment of silence the office will experience all day with *clip!* *clip!* *clip!* and a senstation runs up your spine that turns you from nice composed co-worker to the devil in heels in a matter of seconds. Seriously people, can't that wait until you get home? I mean, really. Your nails will not grow to unmanageable lengths in the matter of 8 hours at the office. Most of us already knew you were a little off, but this just enforces it.

• The loud phone talker - Guess what? The entire office does not need to hear your business - be it personal or actual business. We know you use company time to make personal phone calls, because we can hear you. Dude, just send and email - it's silent! If you don't have an email address, keep your voice down. Even if something is really funny and it makes you chuckle, there's no reason to project that across the cube farm. Yeah we're all happy you took a minute to laugh today, but we don't know the joke - so we don't care. And it's never someone with a jolly laugh, it's always the high pitched cackler trying to compete with the wicked witch from Oz. Please take it down a notch, so we don't all want to punch you.

• The gossiper - You know who they are, and you encourage them every time you ask them what happened with so and so over there, or why that one guy got fired. While I know you want to know the dirt, it's people like her/him (most likely a her) that cause unnecessary tension in the office. Please stop with the positive reinforcement.

• The real overachiever aka The workaholic - sometimes these people bring a lot to the table, sometimes they just make the average worker look like crap. Sometimes these people do it to keep busy, or have used it to replace empty space in their lives, who knows really? There's always one, and it's probably the same one that set the curve in Differential Equations in college, yeah that guy. No one is supposed to get the 98% on the test - but someone always did. And now that someone works in somebody's office as the CEO fast tracking hopeful. More power to ya, but take it easy on those that really do like work-life balance, like me.

• The fake overachiever aka the resident dumbass - This person is nature's way of combating the workaholic, because if they can fake their hard work well enough, they will outshine the other guy who actually deserves the promotion. This person will get to work early and leave late, but collectively do less work than people who work their standard 8 hours a day. There will be internet surfing, excessive talking to co-workers, long lunches and more breaks in the day than any chain smoker that works there. It's okay to slack sometimes, but to outshine those that are really working hard is uncool.

Smug

For the last 8 years I have had to deal with seeing those damn "W" stickers on the back of people's cars, knowing that yeah he won BARELY, and so they kind of had a right to keep them on there. However, starting on Nov. 4th, 2008 there's a new bumper sticker that should be proudly worn on cars.
Get your free one here

Attack of the Poufe.

The other day on my way to work, I decided to swing by a Starbucks to get some coffee. Normally I go in because my order (venti brew) requires some doctoring (1/2 packet sugar, a slosh of whole milk), and the drive up people usually don't get it right. On this particular day, there were no spots out front, so I justified a swing through the drive up... and because they never get my order right, I felt that in order to make life simple i would just order a venti skinny carmel latte instead ($4.50 vs $2.01)

So I place my order, and drive around. There's a car in front of me so I'm waiting patiently (impatiently comes after the caffeine jitters kick in), and then the girl at the window pops out to give the guy ahead of me his order. I was flabergasted! I have never in my life seen such a massive poufe. wow. she put Paris Hilton to shame.WTF makes people think that looks good?!

Welcome, and all that implies

So I find myself constantly saying "AAGGHH! WTF?!" or "Seriously, does this kind of crap happen to anyone else?!". Screaming out to no one on the street seems to have gotten me nowhere. Hense this blog, perhaps screaming via a different medium will get me somewhere else? Let's see, shall we?